This blog post is going to be really raw and vulnerable. Please bear with me! This week has honestly been really hard for me. Sometimes we think that we make the decision to follow Jesus and then everything becomes a piece of cake from there. That's not it at all. Sometimes, following him means dealing with things that hurt, and as much as it hurts, it brings it into his light and out of darkness. When things start to have light shed on them, the enemy uses that as an opportunity to target our hurts and often make them feel exaggerated. John 10:10 says "The thief (or enemy/Satan) comes only to steal, kill and destroy; I (Jesus) have come that they may have life, and have it to the full."
Last weekend was the first weekend that I've had free time on base for about 2 months. That hit me really hard. I live away from the other girls in my school, as I live in staff housing here on base, but I don't have a roommate right now. This gave the enemy a chance to try to speak isolation into my thoughts and I'm sad to say he succeeded. I didn't feel like anyone was purposely trying to push me out but I lost the will to try to seek out others. It's honestly a horrible feeling. I was feeling so out of place and didn't know who to go to for help. One of my friends asked to talk with me since it had been a while since we last connected. We had a really good honest conversation and that really helped. I had been texting with one of my friends, who's in Mexico leading an outreach team, and she asked me how SOMD was going. I was able to share with her and she was so honest and caring with me. I love that she took the time to pour into me, even though I'm sure she has other things she could deal with since she's leading a team right now. That helped speak some identity back into my life! Since then, I have started to be more intentional with hanging out with the other students in my free time, and that made a world of a difference. I love my school and I am so thankful for the chance to grow with them.
This week's speaker, John Bills, has been speaking to us about the importance of Godly decision making earlier this week and that has been really good. Then he switched topics and we started talking about how to deal with trauma and grief. At first I was fine, as we put some of the practical things we learned about decision making into practice by applying it to what we, as leaders, would do during a traumatic event. Then he started talking about how to deal with the grief that comes afterwards and I lost it. I cried for the loss of my uncle all over again, as if it happened yesterday instead of 8 years ago. John was talking about how to comfort someone, what to say, what not to say, and all the emotions from when my uncle died, came flooding back to me. I remember people always asking me if I was ok, and I honestly hated that question. I knew I wasn't "fine" but I didn't know how to share how I was really feeling. I don't know if I knew how I really felt during that time. I know now, that sometimes we don't really know how to comfort someone so when we ask things like "How are you?", it can be out of a place of just not knowing what else to say. It's crazy how grief really ever goes away, even though I've accepted my uncle not being here anymore.
John had us chose a hard time in our lives (traumatic or not) and draw it out to share with one person in our class. I haven't finished my drawing yet, but I see how drawing it out and sharing it with someone you trust, can really bring it into the light and help the grieving process. I remember my Mom saying when my uncle died, that grief is like waves in the ocean. We stand in the waves and can let them either roll over us or let them knock us down, but either way they will come towards us. Grief never really goes away, but I know that I have a God who is willing to stand with me as the waves come. Grief doesn't get easier, but I don't have to do it alone.
I knew I wanted to write this blog while it was on my heart to do so, but I wasn't expecting it to be so heavy. I wanted to share and be open about how I was feeling. Serving God isn't all rainbows and butterflies, and I am so thankful that I get to walk with through times that are tough. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for being so supportive of me in my time here at YWAM LA. I still love every moment of it and I love every adventure, through the ups and the downs because I get to walk alongside such a loving God.
Feel free to stay in contact with me!
Facebook Messager: Jordyne Castaneda
mad4mangoes1@gmail.com
Instagram: mad_4_mangoes
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